STARTING PITCHERS EXPOSED!

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Relax, Mets fans. The reference here is to the latest wave of television pitchpersons. Their goal is to hold our attention for ten seconds - universally deemed ample time for network advertisers to jackhammer a billion suggestive subliminal messages into our subconscious via deadly cathode rays.

"Cold as hell." There could be no more accurate oxymoron to describe the frozen Thanksgiving weekend of 2015 in southern Oregon. All things being relative, it may have only been cold as heck, but felt cold as hell to my Hello Kitty sensibilities. Anyway, I caught a damn cold, so the weekend was spent catching up on my television viewing, while warding off the chills, the sweats, and the snots. Of course, in between the racing, football, and hard news, I was assaulted by a barrage of unfathomably expensive advertising, pitched by an infinite zombie army of hucksters. Most were too painfully lame to endure, but a few intrigued me, prompting the obvious question, "Who are these vanilla-edgy people?" So I did some digging.

Cursory findings indicated marketing firms to be the overseers of who pitches what. But a Nielsen Ratings scan revealed its volunteers  (our virtual representatives in Tee Vee Land) to be the ultimate judges of who makes the final cut. There is undoubtedly a lot of ugly manipulation and maneuvering behind the scenes, yet democracy appears to win in the end. So the Nielsen Family remains the true Supreme Court, much as the Force family continues to set the tone for motorsports promotion. Apparently, everyone loves a monarchy.

Unlike the ingenues featured in last week's post, today's consumers prefer their innocents to possess some edge to balance the accessibility, which can go bland faster than milk (once again, I refer you to Laurie Bird, who well may have pioneered this movement). I randomly chose three examples and dived in.

Progressive Flo: No more real than John Milner. She's actually stand-up comedienne Stephanie Courtney, who performs with the renowned Groundlings improvisational theater troupe in Los Angeles. Born in Stoney Point, New York in 1970, Courtney worked her way through the Neighborhood Playhouse in NYC, then journeyed to California, where she excelled at stand-up comedy. Courtney married Groundlings lighting director Scott Kolanich in 2008, and has mostly been Flo ever since. Courtney's take on her now-iconic character: "Nobody is naturally that perky. They'd strain something. I'd say at times, Flo is like my mom when she's at her most chipper."

The devious SGE Research Team even dug up Flo's Drivers License. And guess what: It's forged!

Stephanie Courtney, out of character.

Out of uniform (sans name tag and price scanner), Courtney appears decidedly less frumpy than her Flo character. Nude photos of "Flo" circulated online were long thought to be Photoshopped, but are now revealed to be from a Playboy magazine feature on Stephanie Courtney. A gal has to make ends meet.

Toyota Jan: Not registered with the Auto Dealership Receptionist Union! Yet another Groundling, the prolific Laurel Coppock has been a television and film fixture for quite some time, and is most notably known for playing Emily on Hot in Cleveland, Maggie in Arrested Development, Stephanie on The Office, and Elaine on Modern Family, to name only a few.

Laurel Coppock promo shot.

No wonder Coppack seemed so familiar. Her Stephanie character on The Office had distracted me for years (one of those weird mid-life TV crushes).

Acting! Coppock actually adores chameleons, and breeds them as a hobby. Bombshell: We dispatched Mr. X to procure spy photos of Coppock driving her Toyota, and he came up short - no Toyota at Coppock's address! Some kind of Honda SUV appeared for a brief while, then left - likely a visitor or delivery person. You heard it here first.

Perhaps today's most quick-witted pitcher (or at least the fastest talking one), AT&T Lily can diffuse the most awkward situation with lightning wisecracks - as long as the teleprompter is working. That's right, she's being fed her schtick on a wire! The heartthrob of countless electronics geeks is, in fact, actress Milana Vayntrub. Having not yet earned her crows feet nor smile lines, Vayntrub must perform at warp speed to compensate for the lack of visible credibility. 

Milana Vayntrub, out of character. Cute kid. She could be your grand daughter.

Born in 1987 in Tashkent, Uzbekistan, Vayntrub gets SGE bonus points for posing with the family car. (Apologies for bizarre blog program behavior. Vayntrub's photo may be infected with some creepy Middle Eastern virus! I blame ISIS. Meet me out at the strip and we'll settle this, you punks!)

As first revealed on this blog years ago, General Motors lifer Mr. Goodwrench (as portrayed by comedy writer Stephen Colbert) launched the previous wave of pitchers. Colbert surfed that success straight to his own wildly original and revered nightly TV show. Then he broke corporate bread with CBS Television and agreed to take over The Late Show. His future now uncertain, the new neutered Colbert is weighing the pros and cons of retirement and politics. When reached for comment on the current field of pitchers, the granddaddy of the genre offered only a terse "No comment", following a pregnant pause. What is he hiding? (Photo courtesy of Mr. X)

So, what have we learned here? Nothing that we didn't already know. Unless you're an aspiring journalist - in which case the message is loud and clear: A complete lack of editorial content can still constitute entertainment, if presented with enough titillation and bombast. No one in their right mind would pay you anything for it, but it takes up space. And these days, that's what is valued. Need more proof? Read on, brothers and sisters. Or turn on your televisions. But for God's sake, stay the hell off the internet!


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UPDATE

In the time it took for the Oregon Ducks to defeat the Oregon State Beavers in "The Civil War" rivalry football game (real original name, guys), this week's spare-time parts cleaning project was initiated and completed. It's a Neal tandem master cylinder (or "cutting brake"), designed for dune buggy handbrake steering. I got it a couple of years ago, via a Craigslist garage sale. It was cheap, cool, and covered with a heavy crust of hardened grease and corrosion. After teardown, a robust application of solvent, wire brushes, files and sandpaper revealed a possible solution to the SGE Model A Project parking brake conundrum: Why not go hydraulic? The right-side cylinder is junk, but the other side appears healthy enough for service. Should I plumb it to a dedicated wheel cylinder, or run it like a line-lock? Stay tuned. (Scotty shot)


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SQUIRREL AND TOOLBOX

Yet more fakery: The squirrel that famously hightailed it across the field during the final inning of the 2015 World Series was actually a human in a squirrel suit! The SGE Electro Photo DNA Scope [TM] indicates the homosapien to be aspiring Chicago-area Shakespearean actor Charles Allan Pennington (infamous for his audition rejection record for dramatic roles). Further manipulation of the image by the vaunted SGE Graphics Department (birthplace of the patented Zoom-O-Ray) brings into question the possibility that this could also be a squirrel eating a human. As always, you saw it here first.

Recently discovered in the vast SGE Toolbox Photo Library: No one on staff can recall where this image came from. The soiled and crumpled notes only reference a "Chocolate/hazelnut cake, by Pam the Sugar Chef". Bottom line: Even a toolbox is not always a toolbox. Unemployed actors are substituting for everything under the sun now, including Bob Dylan's latest birthday present. Who knows what's real anymore? Check your spouse's ID before kissing.


GRIN

Last week's startling New York Times headlines regarding a Big Apple bear invasion: Fake! SGE East Coast reporter Motormouth Ray snapped this image while moonlighting as a limo chauffeur in the city last Friday afternoon. Ray even received personalized autographs from the menacing intruders. Nice work, Ray! (Photo courtesy of Motormouth Ray)

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INGENUE EXPOSED!

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in-ge-nue 1. an innocent, inexperienced young woman. 2. in the theater (a), the role of such a character. (b) an actress playing such a role.

Street slang: Lamb

Wolf reference: "She looked eighteen to me."

Referencing from a high performance perspective, ingenue Laurie Bird deftly played the lamb to Warren Oates' hapless wolf in the universally regarded Best Hot Rod Film Ever, Two Lane Blacktop. Alas, Bird's ensuing relationship with Art Garfunkle ended with her suicide, revealing Bird to also be a convincing femme fatale.

Note visual variances between Bird and Lamb. Bonus factoid: Lambs rarely sit on fences, or ride in '55 Chevys. They know where they stand.

Wolf: Never checks victim's identification before engaging. Always willing to risk 15 - 20 years of incarceration to pay for 15 - 20 minutes of dubious pleasure. Easily identified by shabby-chic fashion sense. Habitual cigar smoker.

Now that you know who's who and what's what, we present a true story of ingenue greatness from a land better known for its wolves than its lambs.

When Steve Malise and Jerry Lipori's "Ingenue" Buick Gran Sport 400 made an innocuous 'by-the-way' appearance on this page recently, it triggered a passionate response 3,000 miles away, in New York. Question: Is there anything innocent or naive about this car? Answer: No. It is an ingenue in name only. 

Four days after posting the Ingenue photo on this blog, the following missive was received from SGE Northeast correspondent Motormouth Ray, who enjoys long-term personal ties with some of the original Ingenue principals. Predictably, the topic was John Lipori's current restoration of his dad's old Buick. Hit it, Ray:

"I put these facts together after speaking with my friend 'Ray the Fixer', who was (Top Fuel racer) Billy Lynch's right-hand man for many years. I've also heard these accounts from Billy himself in the past, and believe them to be true. What I read on the HAMB from Jerry Lipori's son is different, and although I'd imagine he'd rely on his father for facts, he may have used other - less reliable - sources. Billy Lynch was there, running a body shop only blocks from where the original car was built. Here's what I know:

The owners of Brooklyn's Mid County Buick dealership (on Empire Blvd and Washington Ave), Steve Malise and Jerry Lipori, were the original owners of the car. Malise convinced nineteen Buick dealers to pony up a thousand bucks each to fund the car build (that's in 1967. Who can doubt the persuasive powers of a Brooklyn-based car guy?). These guys also owned Brooklyn Speed and Machine, so fabricating and modifying parts for the race car was done mostly in-house. They ran a 430" Buick engine with (reportedly) stock bore and stroke, prepared by Long Island Gasser legend Jack Merkel, and used the first known instance of an 8-71 blower on the 8.8:1 compression Enderle-injected engine. They hand-fabbed many parts that weren't available commercially, such as the blower manifold, timing chain cover, magneto drive, external oil pump drive, and main bearing girdle. The squeezed power was pushed through a Vitar TH-400, and proceeded back to a 3.90-geared Buick rearend, using a magnesium Mickey Thompson center section, and hung with ladder bars. Being the Brooklyn showmen they were at heart, the axle housing was fully chromed. 

Malise reached out through the Buick dealer contacts he had, and with the help of Fiberglass Unlimited shop owner Ron Pelligrini, was able to make a positive mold of a stock Gran Sport 400 that was sitting in the lot at Palmer Buick in Chicago. They did this on a Sunday when there was no one around, sealing up all the body and glass voids so the fiberglass resin wouldn't seep into the interior of the car, which was to be picked up by a customer the next day. Talk about a piece of history - where's that car now? Probably as payment for services rendered (and hazardous duty pay), Pelligrini made a second body and campaigned it on his own, but with a more traditional Hemi used for power. The hand-laid mold weighed-in at around 600 pounds, and was up to an inch thick in places - mostly due to the gonzo style in which it was created - in a parking lot, without the aid of proper wooden bucks.

As far as Ingenue's drivers are concerned, 'Coney Island Ralph' Landolfi (of Gasser fame, and a past Motormouth Radio guest) was the first driver of the car, later turning the wheel over to Red Lang, who swapped in a AA/FD engine (possibly one of Billy Lynch's bullets), but only drove it once. Bruce Bohen from Brooklyn Speed and Machine is credited with being the third and most successful driver, turning a best of 7.79 at 191 MPH. Again, this is in the '70s, from a bunch of lowbuck hot rodders. I was told that Bohen also played a big part in the original build of the car, in his shop at Utica and Tilden Avenues, in Brooklyn. 

Steve Malise sold the Ingenue (sometime in the '70s) to Nick Hardie in Holland, Michigan, where it sat dormant for many years. Jerry Lipori's son John bought it from Hardie in a semi-restored state, and has been working with original members of the crew to restore it to as-built condition.

Then there's this: While searching out original parts for the Ingenue's restoration, John Lipori learned that Billy Lynch still had the rare Buick blower manifold in his shop, just waiting to be found again. Lynch's caretaker sensibilities ensured this stuff would be well cared for, and it was. (Author note: At least Lipori's purchase is in use, unlike the den art that I currently own). 

Bonus factoid: Ingenue is actually the name of one of Steve Malise's daughters, with the other girls sharing similar sounding monikers (one is Mijanou - pronounced much like the car's name). No surprise, as Steve Malise's wife Suzette was French." - Motormouth Ray

Billy Lynch (left) and Steve Malise, circa 1967.

Billy Lynch (white hat), Red Lang (blue hat), Coney Island Ralph (face obscured), Steve Malise (dark blue hat), and SGE pal Dennis Quitoni (in Taz shirt) at an East Coast Drag Times Hall of Fame event in Henderson, North Carolina.

Rare shot of Ron Pellegrini's Palmer Buick-sponsored "second body" from the great Chicago mold caper. 

If inspired to create your own Ingenue, it could happen, in 1/24 scale. Our pals at Speed City Resin have 'em in stock. ("Super Bird" decals also available). 

Drawing a typical crowd of pit pass holders at Englishtown, New Jersey, in May of '67. For a total investment of $16,285 (and mucho itchy sweat), Malise and Lipori got 2,005 pounds of Gran Sport. That's $8.12 a pound. Not too shabby.(Photos courtesy of Motormouth Ray) 

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UPDATE

With sincere apologies to Elana Scherr's Daily Driver Diaries column in Hot Rod magazine, I posted last week regarding the blown head gasket in my Honda beater. The SGE Nation can now exhale, as I have addressed the situation, and the venerable Civic is once again providing golden retriever-style loyalty to your humble blogger.

If only Rob Kinnan had known of the Blue Devil. I myself was unaware, until circumstance forced my hand. With no funds nor working space to replace a head gasket (plus I had a head cold), I resorted to the temporary chemical fix. I cringed at the notion, but brother Rocky reminded me of the time we sealed a windowed radiator with two cigarettes, and it stayed sealed for a number of years. So hey, why not?

The patient: Between the popped head gasket and a leaky plastic drain plug in the radiator, a shadow of boiling doom was hovering over the Civic. Honda Whisperer Bob LeBel at HR Automotive hipped me to Blue Devil, and now wears a halo over his head.

When the OEM radiator split a tank this summer (perhaps due to - or causing - the failed head gasket), I replaced it with this aluminum two-pass unit from RL Performance. This is the exact same unit destined to cool my Model A. 

As advertised, the Blue Devil sealed the head, but this cheapo drain plug evidence appears after 15 - 20 miles of city driving. A fresg rubber O-ring was installed, and a quarter mile of Teflon tape was wound around the threads, to no avail. I called the radiator's manufacturer, who claimed ignorance of the metric drain plug's thread size and/or pitch. I'll find a proper plug eventually, but for now am still testing the system's limits by driving my beater like a beater - no mercy.

That name again, Blue Devil Head Gasket Sealer. Ask for it by name. It's SGE Approved (for beaters only)!

While wrenching on my car in the parking garage (where I live) is strictly forbidden, tagging is actually encouraged in our little arts community. This lucky visitor to the garage is now sporting rad graphics for no charge. (Scotty shots)


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SQUIRREL AND TOOLBOX

They've been infiltrating the homeland for years. They gave fair warning. And now our day of reckoning is at hand. Are you prepared for the squirrelization of America? Nostradamus predicted the infestation would take place on June 1st of 1983, but that turned out to be the release date of the Bee Gees' Staying Alive album instead (still the darkest day in world history). Revised calculations recently released by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology now indicate November 27th of 2015 to be day that shall be written into the history books in human blood as "Black Friday". Be vigilant, SGE Nation!

Here at SGE, we give credit where it's due, for better or worse. MIT's crack team of squirrelization experts was headed by Professor Heinz Wolff, who humbly credits the team's success to...

... Professor Cornel West, who claims the project was actually spearheaded by...

... Professor Larry Gara, who reveals the pivotal breakthrough to be the decades-old work of...

... Professor Barrett Hazeltine, who openly admits stealing the base concept from...

... the late Professor Robert Wentzler, who's entire library of research has recently been inherited by...

... freshly minted Professor Monica Hardesty, whom (in a surprising twist of irony) is referred to by MIT administrators as "The Squirrel Research Ingenue". 

2015 Top Fuel World Champion Antron Brown and friend (likely a Matco Tools representative) worship at the castors of what may or may not be an actual Matco rollaway. Our congrats to the Ant Man for completing the long haul from Pro Stock Motorcycle to Top Fuel dominance.


GRIN

The curious relationship between wolves and lambs, as illustrated by Todd Schorr.

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HANDY WINTER DRIVING TIPS

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THE FOLLOWING IS AN SGE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT 

Here we go again. But winter driving need not be a nightmarish sentence to a frozen automotive purgatory. With a clean-sheet-of-paper approach, surfing the snowdrifts can equal summertime grins, and then some.


Tis the season. Again. Traditionally, the road to snowpacked road trip high-jinks is covered with beaters. Commuting is so much more enjoyable while crashing into guardrails in a car possessing the disposability of a Bic lighter. Talk about your carefree motoring. Beaters are mobile vacations - when they're actually mobile, anyway. Maybe the answer is to get completely off of four wheels, and approach the slippery stuff from a different angle. That's what the experts at theoatmeal.com recommend.

(Images courtesy of theoatmeal.com)

With the proper vehicle, you can avoid the roadways altogether, and beat your co-workers to the break-room donuts.

If you must commute via automobile, at least ensure that your ride is equipped for the current conditions.

As addressed here last week, there will always be a hardcore element, hellbent on making everyone else feel inadequate. This example at Minnesota Dragways is from the immanent Cartech release, Lost Drag Strips II. Pre-orders now available at amazon.com. (Photo courtesy of John Foster Jr. collection)

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UPDATES

LOST SGE MODEL A PHOTOS FOUND!!!

The indisputable best approach to enduring winter is hibernation (see above Polar Bear facts). My personal hibernation preference is in the shop, but barricading in any heated shelter can be rewarding. For example, while rifling through a room of cardboard boxes in search of an obscure photo last week, I came across something even more rare than my targeted prey - the first photos ever taken of my Model A project, from its infancy in 1997. The camera was a second-hand Kodak Instamatic, and the photographer was a ham-fisted know-nothing, but discovering these crappy images sure made me smile.

In the beginning, there was a $15 open touring car back-half of (still) undetermined origin, complete with rear doors from yet another mystery car. After saving up another fifteen smackeroos, I purchased this closed '31 Briggs Body cowl from fab pal Sherm Parker. My brother Mark helped me drag the booty home, and even stored it for me for a while.

When Pappy Gosson passed on, I inherited some leftovers from his '40 Ford pickup project, including front and rear axles, wishbones, and a set of bent '35 Ford wire wheels. Yet another $15 got me a stainless '30/'31 radiator shell at a swap meet. I was on a $15 roll, and now had enough treasure for a casual mock-up of my vision in the Grants Pass, Oregon garage shared with my hot rod Morris Minor (black fender in foreground).

Inspired, I chopped the A-pillars and radiator shell, and shortened a pair of $15 hood sides. What a rush to finally realize the vision in 3-D! 

A few weeks later, things were literally falling into place. My primered daily driver Pinto wagon (background) inspired the 2.3 Ford drivetrain concept. Seeing these images again was a surreal experience, so many years after the fact. (Scotty shots)

Still dreaming of Model A adventures, nearly two decades later. You wouldn't know it from this photo (at Dr. Lockjaw's Custom Metal shop), but the project is progressing - at the pace of a lame Pinto. (Photo courtesy of Dr. Lockjaw)

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SQUIRREL AND TOOLBOX

If you retain anything from this post, let it be this: Heated shelter is key to winter survival. This baby Canadian squirrel knows it, and now so do you. Good luck finding a cozy set-up as sweet as this scene.

While troubleshooting a pesky cooling problem in my daily driver last week, I received professional guidance from Bob LeBel at HR Automotive in Medford, Oregon. Bob's been wrenching exclusively on Hondas for over 30 years, so he knows his stuff. He's also a great guy, and is fun to hang with. The Mac rollaway contains the lions share of Bob's trickery. Its cannot-tell-a-lie leakdown tester confirmed my most dire suspicion: Blown head gasket. But now I know for certain. Thanks, Bob! (Scotty cellphone shot)

It's Barney, the greeter at HR Automotive. Bob's Great Dane puppy is only a few months old, yet his head is chest-high to me. The flattened squirrel behind him is Barney's favorite toy. I like this guy. When not chained to a Honda engine (background), Barney enjoys long runs on Bob's rural acreage. A confirmed bachelor, Barney spends his free time eating Honda tech manuals. Sorry gals! (Scotty cellphone shot)

GRIN

Some days we get snow, and some days we get snowed. 


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