"Thirty two." A pair of majestic words that conjure the utmost in iconic hot rod imagery. The grace, elegance, and startling speed of the Greyhound. And as of today, "32" also represents the SGE Nation.
Meet Bob - the thirty second SGE Member! In a mere four years, the SGE Nation has inexplicably swelled to over thirty members, and last week, Bob vaulted us to Deuce status! We are now thirty two. With Bob, we are theoretically wiser, numerically larger, and consequently, stronger. At a glance, Bob is already one of us: Graying, visually impaired - yet stylish, with a large and colorful "G" tattoo'd on his left shoulder. Thanks for your dedication and willingness to represent, Bob! We're honored. He wears a hat and wears it well. And that's all I know about Bob. Perhaps a day will come when we all meet face-to-face - an SGE convention of sorts. On that glorious day, we will all get our left shoulders tattoo'd just like Bob's, in a show of solidarity (the "G" obviously stands for Gosson). Until that day, we have Christmas. It will have to do...
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Yeah, it's Christmas again. Personally, I get the whole Christian deal about Santa driving the snakes from Iran - that's a pretty cool story. And the part about surrounding yourself with despised family members and obnoxious friends even makes some kind of twisted sense, from an entertainment standpoint. But I just can't understand why these holiday gatherings have to be held while we're experiencing the absolute worst travel conditions of the year. Sure, everyone wants to celebrate Louis Chevrolet's birthday, but why couldn't it just be acknowledged in winter via Black Friday sales, then celebrated in summer, when traction is good and we can wear T-shirts and sandals like Jesus intended? This simple change of date could save drag racing. Imagine the Christmas Nationals, with a Santa starter at the Christmas tree and a crack team of track elves, doing their thing at a northern strip equipped with cool dense air. Everyone would run their personal best up there, making for the happiest Christmas ever! Just a thought.
Then there's the gift giving. Again, I can see why the department stores initiated this tradition shortly after the (insert favorite war here) war ended - it saved our economy. But jeeze, that was years ago. Times have changed. This may sound crazy, but maybe we as a race have evolved to the point where giving immaterial gifts would be more meaningful. You know, like good deeds and stuff? This topic was discussed at the latest SGE staff meeting, where it was unanimously agreed that we should set the pace with our own example. It is in that selfless spirit that we waive the cover charge to our company Christmas party and invite the entire SGE Nation (starting with Bob) to join us in honoring the original intent of this most sacred holiday.
It was Santa Claus himself who taught us that a cool gift can bribe people into doing good deeds. And thanks to our recent partnership with the esteemed Hazard Fraught Tools Corporation, do we ever have some last minute gifts for you! In fact, that's exactly how we're kicking off this year's HOT RODDER'S GIFT GUIDE (just like in Hot Rod magazine)!!!
You elitists who desire a snootier gift to give (in hopes of making yourself look better to giftees who couldn't care less) are in luck, as we have you covered, too:
Then there are those extra special people in your life to whom you want to give only the very best. What if we told you of an affordable gift that is worth its weight in gold and will only appreciate as the years roll by? Sound too good to be true? Well then, you must not have seen THESE before:
So, you gambled the Christmas budget on a street race and are in jail for the holidays? Again? Don't sweat it. We can bail you out of the stress mode with our clairvoyant predictions of 2014's hottest sellers! It's a gift, so to speak...
Okay, those are all swell gifts and all, but in the end, does anyone even remember what gift they got last year? Of course not. Because they were celebrating the REAL meaning of Christmas: It's perfectly socially acceptable to drink like a whale on national holidays! While I don't indulge myself (mostly out of respect for Bob), even I can't deny that the signs are everywhere:
Bob? Your gun has a matching beard?
As it turns out, our imbibing embedded reporter (and now ex-SGE staffer) failed to notify us that the Santa Ski Crawl and SantaCom events both took place on December 14th (so sorry you were witness to this debacle, Bob). SGE and its affiliates worldwide not responsible or liable for airline ticket purchases or lodging reservations made in connection with these events. Women advised not to consume alcohol if pregnant. Use at own risk. Men pregnant and otherwise are absolved of any responsibility or other expectation if using alcohol or otherwise. Your mileage may vary from EPA estimate. Not to be used as flotation device. This product recognized as a carcinogen in laboratory testing. Professional driver on closed course. Do not attempt.
What's missing from these events? Challenge. Any drunk Santa can fall down a hill, or stagger across town. So we came up with THE SGE BORDER-TO-BORDER FAST SANTA CHALLENGE: A winner-takes-all, open jackpot race (entrants contribute what they want to the purse) from the Canadian border to the Mexican border, to be contested by drunk Santas next year, from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve. All Santas (in bright red costumes and white beards) are required to stop at secret checkpoints to have their blood alcohol levels checked (must be over State limit, with bonus prizes awarded for each point over those numbers). Only the car's owner may drive the car (one owner per car). Car may carry unlimited number of passengers, but must also carry a 350 cubic foot bundle of illegal "Christmas Presents" and a full size (and fully illuminated) Christmas tree, strapped to the car's top. Several valuable bonus prizes have already been donated by anonymous sponsors. At press time, we have four confirmed pre-entries, to be piloted by "Santa X", "Bad Santa", "Santa Pod" and "Santa Anna". First one to Mexico wins. Since I don't drink, I'll be the designated non-driver and will be shooting photos and taking notes to post on the blog. I can't post any more details here for obvious reasons, but can assure you that Christmas 2014 will be a very merry trip on the Polar Express - for SGE readers, anyway.
The following is a public service warning of the dark side of a white Christmas. Beware these freaks of nature. They are extremely dangerous and are not to be trusted.
Some friends of SGE who asked us to pass along their Christmas wishes to you...
And, of course, the entire folded-arm SGE staff:
OTHER BELOVED CELEBRITIES WHO SHARE LOUIS CHEVROLET'S BIRTHDAY: (December 25th): Sir Isaac Newton, Humpherey Bogart, Sissy Spacek, Rod Serling, Cab Calloway, Jesus Christ, Anwar Sadat, Robert Ripley, Nellie Fox, Pud Galvin, Karl Rove, and Carlos Castaneda. Some badass Capricorns...
SQUIRREL AND TOOLBOX