CENSORED WAGON PHOTOS REVEALED!

America’s Coolest Station Wagons has been at the top of the New York Times Non Fiction Best Seller List for ten months now. That’s pretty cool. 3.9 million copies have sold worldwide, so far. I’m honored. The Pulitzer nomination was a humbling surprise. The publisher, CarTech Inc., is also happy with these developments. But behind the scenes, a terrible secret has haunted the project from its beginnings, while editors, layout and design personnel, and a litany of managerial department heads scrambled to keep a lid on it: The book was too good for its own good. This unprecedented situation nearly brought the entire corporation to its knees, as chaos erupted on every floor of the North Branch, Minnesota headquarters building. Ultimately, outside consultation was called in (via an anonymous federal government think tank) and order was only restored after radical steps were taken: Entire chapters were deleted and thousands of images destroyed, in an effort to make the package digestible to you, the consumers. Like all CarTech employees, I was required to sign a gag order barring any discussion of these events.

Today, I’m declaring my personal statute of limitations to be expired. I can no longer withhold the truth from the 3.9 million people who have been deceived. Below are samples of the 12,947 images I smuggled across the Minnesota state line in a rented Chevrolet Astro van on April 18th of 2010. Let the chips fall where they may. The people deserve to know how they were betrayed in the name of arrogant elitist capitalism.

Exposing this cover-up was no rash decision. Besides struggling with the ethical and legal implications, the very safety of my own family is at stake, considering Cartech is owned by Rupert Murdoch, who is owned by Citicorp, which is owned by McDonalds, which is owned by Coca Cola, which is owned by the Catholic Church. All organizations that play for keeps. Nevertheless, I declare my imminent assassination to be worthwhile.

　

This shot of Chris Darland’s ’57 Chevy beater is what attracted the attention of the Pulitzer committee. It hasn’t been seen since - until now.

The image of Bobbi Petersen and her poodles was captured months after her Ford’s feature shoot. It was cropped with a hatchet to hide the missing front bumper (being replaced at the time), for fear of alienating prospective bumper loving book buyers. Gasser fans, this one’s for you.

Chris Whitney’s ’66 Fairlane, in Las Vegas for the 2009 SEMA show. The NHRA (owned by Coca Cola) didn’t want the C/Stocker shown on public streets (although it’s actually on a floor jack in a parking lot) and brought the heat. Luckily, I’d made this copy and stored it at an undisclosed location.

The JF Launier ’55 Chrysler, just before taking the stage for an episode of the Car Crazy TV show. This is one of several shots from the program taping, meant to be included in JF’s book feature. When show host Barry Meguiar discovered JF didn’t use Meguiar Car Care products, he stopped tape and had security escort Launier from the premises. Meguiar keyed the Chrysler while JF struggled with guards. My camera was confiscated, but I’d stashed the camera card in the lining of my suit jacket.

Scott Parkhurst is an editor at CarTech. His ’66 Chevelle is featured in the book. These action shots from the Optima Batteries Ultimate Street Car Invitational were quickly whisked away to a warehouse in Roswell, New Mexico, upon being seen by a nameless Cartech photo editor. Parkhurst remains on the missing persons list, but the car’s tailgate was recently found in a Baltimore wrecking yard. I happen to have a locksmith friend in Roswell. Optima Batteries is owned by Johnson Controls, which is owned by the federal government.

Inexplicably, this snap of Ed Bittle’s ’51 Nash was pulled from the feature. To this day, there’s been no explanation why the cleanest image from a difficult shoot wasn’t included – only this cryptic message from an anonymous Cartech employee: "This won’t fly and you’d never believe the reason why. Sorry, X"

I love this shot of Barefoot Bob Hardison, star of the opening story in the book. I believe his brother Mike shot this portrait of Bob at the wheel of his 1914 Ford Depot Hack, on safari for adventure, somewhere in America. Alas, I never found a high res version of this shot and it was cast aside. At least I understand why it wasn’t used.

We had a chapter of Wagons in Hibernation, but it was ejected for "portraying an image deemed unacceptable by company guidelines." So you never got to see Jamie Ford’s Pontiac hearse rotting into a field. Today, that wrong has been righted. Fisher Casket owns 3% of CarTech stock.

Okay, this one was totally my bad. Left my monopod laying in the foreground while catching Jeff Petersen’s ’47 Ford Woody in action. Doh! I stood in a ditch full of water moccasins to get this shot. A wasted risk.

The lead shot of Guy Recordon’s ’56 Pontiac feature was taken in the parking lot of this clinic. I thought the sign added interest. I didn’t realize the clinic was owned by Blue Cross/Blue Shield, which is owned by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, which owes storage fees to Burnside Towing, who posted the No Parking signs. I should’ve checked that out first.

Clyde Wouten drove his ’56 Pontiac right into the shoot I was doing on Guy’s car. I felt it was serendipitous and included this shot with my submission of Guy’s feature. That’s how I learned that my editor doesn’t believe in serendipity.

While shooting Guy’s interior, yet another car rolled into the shot! This one proved more worthy of the interruption…

I didn’t get a name on the Deuce 5-window owner – just this snapshot, which I saved for future use. The future is now.

This shot of Guy’s Pontiac passing a Buick dealership sparked enough corporate infighting to result in the entire Pontiac Motor Division being fired from General Motors. And I thought I was just taking a picture of a cool old car. My apologies to the 28,000 Pontiac workers who lost their jobs. Oosp! Shit happens.

My secret spy shot of Superior Glassworks’ ’54 Nomad prototype chassis, still in progress. Superior supplied their own chassis photo – an overhead shot of the finished version (which would’ve been beautiful, if they’d cropped out the background clutter.) This seemed reasonable, until I found out Superior’s security camera was shooting me shooting the chassis. I discovered this on a website I hit by accident. They added music to the video ("Everybody Dance Now") and animated my legs, so I appear to be dancing while suspended from wires like a spastic puppet being tazed. I spent a lifetime perfecting those moves, only to see them mocked in the most public forum there is.

I submitted a chapter of station wagon art that vanished from the final cut. Here’s a couple samples.

One in a series of portraits of influential punk rocker’s childhoods, Sean Mahan added the ’67 Ford wagon to his painting of Ian Mackaye because he felt it represented suburban angst. How could I have known that a high ranking Cartech executive lost her virginity to the village idiot on prom night in just such a car?

Dan Palatnik designs 3-D cars for Xbox Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. He whipped up this ’55 Chevy just for the book! It turns out Dan, er, I mean, Mr. Artist – is in the witness protection program, and for good reason. Sorry about that, Dan. Dang it! Did it again…

In spite of these corporate blunders, 3.9 million wagon fans (and counting) have found America's Coolest Station Wagons to be purchase worthy. Sure, the Pulitzer and Best Seller List are nice bonuses, but I do this for you, the fans. Thank you all, for taking this ride with me. I’ll keep doing my best to expose the beautiful ugly truth, for you!

SHOP SALE

A couple of years ago, the economy hit me like a Tsunami and washed me out into the street. I had to jettison all non-life supporting baggage, such as my almost finished race car project and the hot rod I’d been building/driving/racing for 25 years. The emotional hit left me reeling, but I took some solace in knowing I wasn’t alone. Like so many others, I’d set myself up for the reality-slap by living beyond my means. I got off easy, compared to most. While still existing way below poverty level, my quality of life is actually much better now. But I do miss my toys.

So when my pal Gary told me he was moving to a new shop and selling off some stuff he’d rather not move, I attended his sale with my party hat on. Yeah, the event stirred up those old emotions, but I clung to the present moment and stayed there all day. It was fun catching up with old friends and kicking tires. I found myself wishing you could’ve been there. Here’s the next best thing:
　

Before I even got out of the car, I sensed a much lighter vibe at this sale than at my last one.

               Jamie Ford’s fresh-built Deuce set the standard for visual stimulation.

A bunch of guys muttering about parts interchange with hands in pockets. These are my people!

Gary’s latest personal project: A ’34 tudor, dragged off of Jamie Ford’s acreage, after Jamie had his way with it. Why the For Sale signs, Gary? "I figured I’d throw it out there and see what’s meant to be. Who knows?" Definitely priced right, but no bites, with the southern Oregon economy hanging from the noose.

This ‘fixer upper’ Y-block was planned for another project, but found itself looking for a new home on sale day. Nobody had signed the adoption papers by the time I left.

I’m coming out, right here: I have a cast aluminum fetish. There, I said it. Despite the sickness, I drove away, cast-free. My blue moon discipline always surprises me.

This is the automotive equivalent to full contact chess: The Swap Meet price negotiation. I observed this particular exchange for well over an hour. Exhausting. In the end, Gary (at right) held his ground and was rewarded with storing this steering column until the next sale. And the respect of his peers, of course.

I’m scheduled to drive a bellytank lakester at Bonneville next year. Talk about a reality slap! I’m supposed to fit into one of these with a full firesuit and helmet on? Time to start dieting! First thing tomorrow…

Some of Gary’s neighbors took advantage of the situation. The little Buick Special pegged my Dreamometer. If you didn’t know, these came factory stock with the 215" aluminum engine, now standard issue in the Rover.

This ’55 cackled in, fresh from Chris Darland’s shop. Chris followed up in his Pontiac powered street/strip ’33 Plymouth coupe, but I couldn’t get a bead on it with my Olympus. Oh, the heartbreak of the solitary hunter…

Before I knew it, the shadows extended and my BFF’s Jamie and Linda Ford were hightailing it for home. A quick goodbye and they vanished. Same here. See ya! And thanks for another fun day, Gary. Hope you made some room and money!

Next time: Rat Wagons! The next hot trend? Stay tuned…
　
　

WARNING! Hot Rodding Is Even More Dangerous Than You Thought!

Today we get a breath of fresh air (so to speak) from our first ever guest poster, SGE follower Brian Turner. Brian contacted me about sharing his message here, as this is the perfect venue to reach his target audience. I agree. This is definitely pertinent information for us knuckledraggers who spend our days dismembering crusty old tin in less than ideal conditions (like wrecking yards, gravel driveways and ramshackle garages).

So, tell us a bit about yourself, Brian.

My interests are all types of cars like classics, tuner, muscle, import, supercars, etc. I like to research and write about the inherent toxic hazards in automobiles. I have recently been accepted as a staff contributor to the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance Blog where I post about the cancer risks that toxins such as asbestos pose. You can check it out here: http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/authors/brian/comprehensive-asbestos-exposure-infographic-now-available.htm.

Jeeze, thanks for looking out for us, Brian! It takes a special kind of gearhead to do this work. This is stuff most of us would rather not think about while happily wrenching away. Let this be a heads-up to us all. I kicked in some ambiance photos. The rest is all Brian. Without any further ado...

Did You Know About Hidden Dangers Present In Classic Cars?
New information has come out in the last few years about hidden dangers associated with restoring classic cars. One of the most common overlooked hazards in classic cars is asbestos. It can be found in classic car hood liners,  brake pads, valves, clutch assemblies, gaskets and valve stem packing. Exposure to asbestos has been found to be very harmful when particles are inhaled over a period of time. You may feel the effects of exposure right away and then feel better, only to have a serious condition called mesothelioma (a form of cancer) turn up in your system up to 20 years later. This is a hard to treat form of cancer that can be fatal. It is better to take precautions now and avoid the chance of getting this debilitating disease later in life.

Older muscle cars and classic cars can have a large build up of dirt and grease around engines, axles, transmissions and drive shafts that contain other toxic chemicals. One of these is phenal, which is dangerous to both skin and the nervous system. When cleaning these car parts, use gloves and wear a mask. Phenal can have a fatal affect on your nervous system. There may be other toxins lodged in the build up of oil and dirt, so don't take chances. Also, many of the chemicals used to clean car parts have toxins in them if inhaled or exposed to bare skin.


Be aware of a chemical called bromine that was used in many classic car seats, seat belts and some dashboard parts among other things. Ingesting or inhaling this chemical can cause memory loss, fertility issues, learning disabilities and behavioral problems. These affects can be passed on to children as well as the original person exposed to them.

Another toxic material to be found in classic cars is lead. Lead can be found in all soldered parts, paint, electrical parts, batteries and radiators. Red and yellow paints are known to contain lead chromate and cadmium, which when inhaled can cause a serious lung irritation. Special precautions should be taken to avoid any form of lead.

This does not mean everyone should give up this rewarding hobby. It does mean that certain precautions should be taken while working on the cars to protect the person doing the work from serious diseases like mesothelioma and exposure to toxic chemicals like solvents, bromine, lead and phenal. It is a good idea to wear protective equipment when working on classic cars. 

Thanks again Brian, for this most important reminder. Mesothelioma has indirectly affected my life and it ain't pretty. Let's be careful out there, kids!

Hmmm... Apparently, merely discussing these chemicals has caused  instant damage to this post! It's worse than we thought, allright. BEWARE!

A special gift, just for you!

Are you getting hungry? I am. That's because Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Mmmmm... Turkey... But Thanksgiving means more than just dial-toning out on tryptophan to cope with relatives. Yes, it's our annual celebration of the Native Americans chasing the snakes out of New England, and for that we remain ever grateful. But of course, the real meaning of Thanksgiving is the kickoff of the Christmas shopping season! The most patriotic holiday we have. Do your part, Joe! America needs your consumerism more than ever. Load up the wife and kids for a trip to your favorite news stand and cram the trunk with gifts for your loved ones. Show your gratitude with the gifts that keep on giving: Books! The wisest investment you can make.

WHY THE SMART MONEY IS ON BOOKS: The typical book provides over 73% of your daily requirement of neuro stimulation on each page! Since the average bear reads nearly three pages at a sitting, that means each book read by your children provides the equivalent of a full semester at a state-level University. It's simple arithmetic: Four (non fiction) books equals a bachelors degree for Junior. Add it up, carry the one, and savor every greenback saved. That's right, bub - for the price of four books (U.S. standard average $127.62), you just transformed the kid into a crying, pooping, ATM. You're on Easy Street, now!

GET A LOAD OF THIS: What if I told you about a book that provides enough neustim (millionaire slang for neuro stimulation - get used to it) on each page to garner the reader a Harvard law degree in half an hour. How much would you pay for a book like that? Fifty dollars? A hundred? Similar books sell every day for over three hundred and fifty bucks! It's a fact. You can look it up on Wikipedia. But you can put the checkbook away - now there's something even better...

FREE NEUSTIM GENERATION! That's no protest mantra - but it will probably become your new family credo. Because I'm about to show you not one, but TWO books, that are so incredibly over neustim enriched that a single glance at the cover has cracked the skulls of test monkeys, due to RBG  (Rapid Brain Growth) syndrome! Best of all, they're both absolutely free! Why would I share such a discovery with you? Look brother, we're all in this together and frankly, I consider you to be family. You see, my own family is half dead and the other half doesn't like me. So you SGE followers are my only human contact. Who else do I have to share anything with? Jack Zip, that's who. So, make sure nobody's around, then scroll down to reveal nothing less than the future of life on planet Earth!

Sure, you've been reading the reviews for months now, thinking, "Sounds great, but a working schmoe like me can't afford amazing books like these." Well, think again, Jackson! With today's inflated shipping costs, combined with insultingly low author royalties and offshore printing, you're only paying for shipping. And there's more: Order now and receive ultra mega discounts over the evil corporate chain store retailers! Amazon.com (your neighborhood mom and pop store) is offering an unheard of 25 percent off for pre-ordering the Rat Rods book. That's a savings of over $43 dollars! And they're practically paying you to take a station wagon book off their hands (34% off).

Isn't your family worth it, Joe? Look at those kids, drooling on their iPads. Imagine their future ("You want fries with that?") Okay then. Do it for little Sally and Bobby. Do it for the United Snakes of Americana. Do it for the sake of Humankind. It's just the right thing to do. BUY BOOKS!!!

Wikipedia not responsible for inaccurate data.
Math equations according to Egyptyglyph numerical system.
Your mileage may vary.
Not to be used as floatation device.
I'm not wearing pants.