Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A special gift, just for you!

Are you getting hungry? I am. That's because Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Mmmmm... Turkey... But Thanksgiving means more than just dial-toning out on tryptophan to cope with relatives. Yes, it's our annual celebration of the Native Americans chasing the snakes out of New England, and for that we remain ever grateful. But of course, the real meaning of Thanksgiving is the kickoff of the Christmas shopping season! The most patriotic holiday we have. Do your part, Joe! America needs your consumerism more than ever. Load up the wife and kids for a trip to your favorite news stand and cram the trunk with gifts for your loved ones. Show your gratitude with the gifts that keep on giving: Books! The wisest investment you can make.

WHY THE SMART MONEY IS ON BOOKS: The typical book provides over 73% of your daily requirement of neuro stimulation on each page! Since the average bear reads nearly three pages at a sitting, that means each book read by your children provides the equivalent of a full semester at a state-level University. It's simple arithmetic: Four (non fiction) books equals a bachelors degree for Junior. Add it up, carry the one, and savor every greenback saved. That's right, bub - for the price of four books (U.S. standard average $127.62), you just transformed the kid into a crying, pooping, ATM. You're on Easy Street, now!

GET A LOAD OF THIS: What if I told you about a book that provides enough neustim (millionaire slang for neuro stimulation - get used to it) on each page to garner the reader a Harvard law degree in half an hour. How much would you pay for a book like that? Fifty dollars? A hundred? Similar books sell every day for over three hundred and fifty bucks! It's a fact. You can look it up on Wikipedia. But you can put the checkbook away - now there's something even better...

FREE NEUSTIM GENERATION! That's no protest mantra - but it will probably become your new family credo. Because I'm about to show you not one, but TWO books, that are so incredibly over neustim enriched that a single glance at the cover has cracked the skulls of test monkeys, due to RBG  (Rapid Brain Growth) syndrome! Best of all, they're both absolutely free! Why would I share such a discovery with you? Look brother, we're all in this together and frankly, I consider you to be family. You see, my own family is half dead and the other half doesn't like me. So you SGE followers are my only human contact. Who else do I have to share anything with? Jack Zip, that's who. So, make sure nobody's around, then scroll down to reveal nothing less than the future of life on planet Earth!

Sure, you've been reading the reviews for months now, thinking, "Sounds great, but a working schmoe like me can't afford amazing books like these." Well, think again, Jackson! With today's inflated shipping costs, combined with insultingly low author royalties and offshore printing, you're only paying for shipping. And there's more: Order now and receive ultra mega discounts over the evil corporate chain store retailers! (your neighborhood mom and pop store) is offering an unheard of 25 percent off for pre-ordering the Rat Rods book. That's a savings of over $43 dollars! And they're practically paying you to take a station wagon book off their hands (34% off).

Isn't your family worth it, Joe? Look at those kids, drooling on their iPads. Imagine their future ("You want fries with that?") Okay then. Do it for little Sally and Bobby. Do it for the United Snakes of Americana. Do it for the sake of Humankind. It's just the right thing to do. BUY BOOKS!!!

Wikipedia not responsible for inaccurate data.
Math equations according to Egyptyglyph numerical system.
Your mileage may vary.
Not to be used as floatation device.
I'm not wearing pants.