CHRISTMAS SPAM

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Guess what's for Christmas dinner. That's right, Spam! And plenty of it. But this is the good kind.

This year's Christmas Spam comes courtesy of your friends at the SEMA Action Network, who also bring these good tidings:

Big news last week on the Federal-level legislative front! SAN is supporting a new federal law that could effect you and your fellow hobbyists. Beginning in 2017, "low volume manufacturers" (shops which produce less than 5,000 automobiles per year, globally) may opt to sell up to 325 "replica vehicles" ("a vehicle that resembles the body of a motor vehicles produced at least 25 years ago, such as '32 Ford or '65 Cobra") a year in the U.S.

"Previously, companies were unable to sell turnkey cars, since the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) regulated these vehicles as if they were current model year vehicles, not vintage cars."

"The new law treats these vehicles the same as Kit Cars, subject to certain equipment standards (lighting, tires, windshields, brake hoses, etc), recalls and remedies, but not vehicle standards, such as roof crush, side impact, etc."

The alert then turns confusingly cryptic, stating, "replica vehicles" produced by "low volume manufacturers" will be required to have "a current model year engine package, certified by the EPA or California Air Resources Board, and are exempt from emissions testing. Enthusiasts building kits will still have the option of installing engines of their choice." Alrighty then. I'm glad SEMA speaks Bureaucrat on our behalf, I guess. This last bit smells a little contradictory to my uneducated senses, but what do I know?

Bottom line: What does this legislation mean (if anything) to Joe Toolbox - the bluecollar wrencher, building one car (or less) a year for him or herself? Will Dr. Lockjaw have to sell off his J-2 Olds-powered Cobra gasser, and build a Viper-engined Tesla instead? Can I build 4,999 blown hemi Vespas before the Feds come knocking? More will be revealed by 2017, I'm sure.

For enlightenment on how your state regulates home building, go to SEMA Action Network (SAN) TAG_TITLE_TOOLBOX. Good luck.


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And now, on with our annual Christmas Spam Gala! Thank heavens, it only comes once a year!

Freaking out over last minute Christmas gift conundrums? Who isn't? Cover your butt with a discounted pre-order of Lost Drag Strips II at amazon.com! The receipt folds up, allowing perfect fitment into the tiniest of stockings.

While pushing your cart through the Amazon, keep an eye out for used copies of this out-of-print classic (the book, not the car). Regular SGE readers are well aware that the car is still going strong.

For our carnivorous friends who prefer rat to spam, we offer this roadkill delicacy.

Step up your reading game with some mind expansion, as practiced by Roth, Barris, Starbird, and contemporaries.

Can't relate to big buck show cars? We have you covered with Show Rods you can pay for with pocket change, and build at the kitchen table. Glue not included.

For the more adventurous, here's a dozen ribald tales of global high velocity to entertain and inspire.

Set the mood for speed reading with all original surfabilly background ambiance via this rare soundtrack to the (as yet unreleased) book of the same name, and turn your library into a rocking party with the flip of a switch!

BREAKING NEWS! The second SGC album (recorded in stark black & white) is in the final mix stage and will be spamming up bandwidth soon! Special thanks to Jimmy Smith at Jimmy's Hot Rod Design and Christy Collins at White Cloud for making this badass artwork happen! The music doesn't suck too bad either (in my biased opinion). 

END OF SPAM  (I'm so sorry)                                                  


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UPDATES

This week's spare-time project is proofing the manuscript of Lost Drag Strips II for CarTech Inc. Don't be fooled by the black & white mimeographed copy - the finished product will be shiny and colorful. Look for it in April. Will this prove to be my last book? Will I ever do another magazine feature? Should I have quit writing ten years ago? We'll all find out soon enough.

The labyrinth hallways of the Rogue Regency Medical Center have been my playground as of late. One of several daily stops on my plant care route, this and other indoor horticultural locales will have to get along without me now, as the job didn't pan out. But the parting was amiable, and the adventure was a very interesting education.

My quest to splash ink in Steve Coonan's Rodders Journal bookazine remains unrequited, but my Show Rods book made this year's Christmas catalog, which is nice.  (Scotty shots)



SQUIRREL AND TOOLBOX

How the NHTSA sees hot rodders.

How hot rodders see the NHTSA.

Whether OSHA approved or not, tis the season to twirl those wrenches! (Image courtesy of David Chestnutt)


GRIN

Focus on this: The new Eddie Haskel Editions are out, and they look sleeker than ever! Is it just us, or have they lost some weight, too? Say, that chrome license plate frame really brings out the silver in that grey paint. (Scotty cellphone shot)

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SGE ROAD TEST: 2009 MERCEDES BENZ 300 COUPE

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The people who live across the street from my girlfriend Shellski bought this 2009 Mercedes coupe a couple of years ago. I've been staring at it ever since. From my mouth-breather perspective, it's hard to know what to make of such a car. But it makes them happy, which is all that matters.

Their names are Sandy and Orlan, and we have all become close friends over the years. Prolific collectors, we teasingly refer to Sandy and Orlan's home as "The Museum". They had us over for a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat this year. This weekend, they hosted some kind of Christmas Museum Tour event (don't ask me) as a charity fundraiser. To make room for guests, the Mercedes' were parked in Shellski's driveway. I cracked wise about needing the keys "In case of emergency, you know", and they tossed 'em my way! It was a little foggy, so it's hard to make out the coupe and its matching M-B SUV sibling, but they're parked on the street in front of the museum, as always. The following is an atypical day in the life of this professional car tester...

I needed to run to the hardware store, which is on the other side of town. I strapped in, cranked up, and was instantly transformed into a cyborg, at one with the Mercedes, while traversing to my favorite shopping emporium. Steering was quick, and suspension firm. Braking awesome, and tires gooey, even in rain!

Sandy and Orlan get obvious demerits for the blasphemous automatic transmission, which does its best to numb the cyborg vibe. Boo! But this reviewer loved the cozy and comfy interior, despite constant warring with the pain-in-the-ass shoulder belt (apparently, one must prove themselves sadistic to qualify for a Daimler engineering gig).

According to the badgery, this is a V-6 engine, but it looks more to me like someone slammed the hood on Darth Vader while he was installing a new radiator. 

No idea what this is (EFI barrel valve?), but it features excellent line routing! Bravo! Correction: Motormouth Ray tells me this is an "ABS distribution block", whatever that means.

Okay, enough foreplay - let's get to it. Hyper-aware that I was driving someone else's car (that's worth more money than I could make if I live to be a thousand years old), I mostly tiptoe'd through traffic, and was a Nervous Nellie in parking lots. But I was grinning enough to make my jaw ache. Dig the factory's implied stance and rake.

While in the neighborhood, I stopped to pay tribute to Chris Darland's old shop. It's probably been ten years since he moved out, and it remains untouched. This angle shows off M-B's stance trickery, using tall rolling stock to fill the wheelwells, while retaining ample ground clearance. This sleepy sidestreet is three or four blocks long - adequate for short term testing. The V-6 that felt annoyingly anemic around town, sprang to life with a hearty stomp of the throttle (Drive-by-Wire?). It didn't lay any rubber (Independent Rearend?) - just hooked and booked, kicking my ass hard into the rich Teutonic leather. My eyes must have been bulging, as I was really surprised by the torque. I dearly yearned for a full mile test, but thought better of it while savoring the last remains of Sandy and Orland's Thanksgiving gravy. (Note to self: Get a toothbrush)

Not certain if Chris Darland is responsible for the wall tag, but I still smile every time I drive by. This is where I first met Darland - before he became a local legend and international curiosity.

With The Merc now safely ensconced in the driveway, I resumed the day's scheduled activities, including a visit to our town's brand new dog park, which has already been savaged by taggers. Tsk, tsk.

Shellski's dog Rosie McDunski ("Rosie" for short) joined me for the occasion. I sensed that she preferred the old funky dog park over this sterile foreign upstart. Time will tell. 

The washer that started it all: The SGE Model A sheetmetal will be hung via round tubing. This is the business end, which required nylon washers to protect what is certain to be an AMBR-winning paint job some day. So I simply HAD TO panic to the hardware store for a fistful of these seventeen-cent washers, immediately! I might want to actually hang that sheetmetal some day.

Yet another crucial Model A project, the restoration (and ensuing customization) of this ancient school bus stoplight (and matching Do-Ray housing) has been dragging on for months. This is the "Before" shot from last Saturday. It looks different today, but not any better. Please stand by for "After" shot. Just don't hold your breath. (Scotty cellphone shots)

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UPDATE

While I fastidiously craft my AMBR-winner, SGE northern New Jersey correspondent Lance Sorchik has been jangling right along on his late-model ('33) beater, but has yet to offer explanation for its lack of mileage, other than some veiled excuses: "The cast iron intake I had (300-horse 327) was warped, and leaking exhaust into the valley of the engine, where the heat ports for the carb were located. This was creating all kinds of issues. Also, it took five - count 'em, FIVE - distributor modules to come up with one good one! But the car is like a new vehicle now, and is running the best it ever has."

"Since the weather is so nice, I plan to get it on the road this weekend and put some miles on it before the snow flies. Hopefully, I can concentrate on some final details this winter, like the interior, and be set for driving next spring. Cross your fingers." The entire SGE Nation is crossing their fingers for you, Lance! Have fun, and send photos! (Photos courtesy of Lance or Diane Sorchik)

SQUIRREL AND TOOLBOX

Hey Kids: Write your funny caption in the COMMENTS box and win valuable prizes! 

Ricky Sanders Racing is now pitching these aluminum rollaways at pitboxes.com. Gotta have one! Or more... Check 'em out!


GRIN

While doing my plant service route last week, I found this '31 pickup parked in front of a client's convention center. Once inside, I found myself at a regional meeting of the Model A Club of America (or something like that). During some chitchat, I let it slip that I'm doing a Model A, and the crowd embraced me with the warmth of a thousand Mother Teresas. We were back-slapping, wise-cracking, and smack-talking - until they asked for details of my build, and realized it was not a restoration. At that, I was soundly booed out of the very building I was being paid to service. And I was lucky to get out alive. I guess it still takes all kinds to make the world go around. (Scotty cellphone shot)

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STARTING PITCHERS EXPOSED!

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Relax, Mets fans. The reference here is to the latest wave of television pitchpersons. Their goal is to hold our attention for ten seconds - universally deemed ample time for network advertisers to jackhammer a billion suggestive subliminal messages into our subconscious via deadly cathode rays.

"Cold as hell." There could be no more accurate oxymoron to describe the frozen Thanksgiving weekend of 2015 in southern Oregon. All things being relative, it may have only been cold as heck, but felt cold as hell to my Hello Kitty sensibilities. Anyway, I caught a damn cold, so the weekend was spent catching up on my television viewing, while warding off the chills, the sweats, and the snots. Of course, in between the racing, football, and hard news, I was assaulted by a barrage of unfathomably expensive advertising, pitched by an infinite zombie army of hucksters. Most were too painfully lame to endure, but a few intrigued me, prompting the obvious question, "Who are these vanilla-edgy people?" So I did some digging.

Cursory findings indicated marketing firms to be the overseers of who pitches what. But a Nielsen Ratings scan revealed its volunteers  (our virtual representatives in Tee Vee Land) to be the ultimate judges of who makes the final cut. There is undoubtedly a lot of ugly manipulation and maneuvering behind the scenes, yet democracy appears to win in the end. So the Nielsen Family remains the true Supreme Court, much as the Force family continues to set the tone for motorsports promotion. Apparently, everyone loves a monarchy.

Unlike the ingenues featured in last week's post, today's consumers prefer their innocents to possess some edge to balance the accessibility, which can go bland faster than milk (once again, I refer you to Laurie Bird, who well may have pioneered this movement). I randomly chose three examples and dived in.

Progressive Flo: No more real than John Milner. She's actually stand-up comedienne Stephanie Courtney, who performs with the renowned Groundlings improvisational theater troupe in Los Angeles. Born in Stoney Point, New York in 1970, Courtney worked her way through the Neighborhood Playhouse in NYC, then journeyed to California, where she excelled at stand-up comedy. Courtney married Groundlings lighting director Scott Kolanich in 2008, and has mostly been Flo ever since. Courtney's take on her now-iconic character: "Nobody is naturally that perky. They'd strain something. I'd say at times, Flo is like my mom when she's at her most chipper."

The devious SGE Research Team even dug up Flo's Drivers License. And guess what: It's forged!

Stephanie Courtney, out of character.

Out of uniform (sans name tag and price scanner), Courtney appears decidedly less frumpy than her Flo character. Nude photos of "Flo" circulated online were long thought to be Photoshopped, but are now revealed to be from a Playboy magazine feature on Stephanie Courtney. A gal has to make ends meet.

Toyota Jan: Not registered with the Auto Dealership Receptionist Union! Yet another Groundling, the prolific Laurel Coppock has been a television and film fixture for quite some time, and is most notably known for playing Emily on Hot in Cleveland, Maggie in Arrested Development, Stephanie on The Office, and Elaine on Modern Family, to name only a few.

Laurel Coppock promo shot.

No wonder Coppack seemed so familiar. Her Stephanie character on The Office had distracted me for years (one of those weird mid-life TV crushes).

Acting! Coppock actually adores chameleons, and breeds them as a hobby. Bombshell: We dispatched Mr. X to procure spy photos of Coppock driving her Toyota, and he came up short - no Toyota at Coppock's address! Some kind of Honda SUV appeared for a brief while, then left - likely a visitor or delivery person. You heard it here first.

Perhaps today's most quick-witted pitcher (or at least the fastest talking one), AT&T Lily can diffuse the most awkward situation with lightning wisecracks - as long as the teleprompter is working. That's right, she's being fed her schtick on a wire! The heartthrob of countless electronics geeks is, in fact, actress Milana Vayntrub. Having not yet earned her crows feet nor smile lines, Vayntrub must perform at warp speed to compensate for the lack of visible credibility. 

Milana Vayntrub, out of character. Cute kid. She could be your grand daughter.

Born in 1987 in Tashkent, Uzbekistan, Vayntrub gets SGE bonus points for posing with the family car. (Apologies for bizarre blog program behavior. Vayntrub's photo may be infected with some creepy Middle Eastern virus! I blame ISIS. Meet me out at the strip and we'll settle this, you punks!)

As first revealed on this blog years ago, General Motors lifer Mr. Goodwrench (as portrayed by comedy writer Stephen Colbert) launched the previous wave of pitchers. Colbert surfed that success straight to his own wildly original and revered nightly TV show. Then he broke corporate bread with CBS Television and agreed to take over The Late Show. His future now uncertain, the new neutered Colbert is weighing the pros and cons of retirement and politics. When reached for comment on the current field of pitchers, the granddaddy of the genre offered only a terse "No comment", following a pregnant pause. What is he hiding? (Photo courtesy of Mr. X)

So, what have we learned here? Nothing that we didn't already know. Unless you're an aspiring journalist - in which case the message is loud and clear: A complete lack of editorial content can still constitute entertainment, if presented with enough titillation and bombast. No one in their right mind would pay you anything for it, but it takes up space. And these days, that's what is valued. Need more proof? Read on, brothers and sisters. Or turn on your televisions. But for God's sake, stay the hell off the internet!


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UPDATE

In the time it took for the Oregon Ducks to defeat the Oregon State Beavers in "The Civil War" rivalry football game (real original name, guys), this week's spare-time parts cleaning project was initiated and completed. It's a Neal tandem master cylinder (or "cutting brake"), designed for dune buggy handbrake steering. I got it a couple of years ago, via a Craigslist garage sale. It was cheap, cool, and covered with a heavy crust of hardened grease and corrosion. After teardown, a robust application of solvent, wire brushes, files and sandpaper revealed a possible solution to the SGE Model A Project parking brake conundrum: Why not go hydraulic? The right-side cylinder is junk, but the other side appears healthy enough for service. Should I plumb it to a dedicated wheel cylinder, or run it like a line-lock? Stay tuned. (Scotty shot)


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SQUIRREL AND TOOLBOX

Yet more fakery: The squirrel that famously hightailed it across the field during the final inning of the 2015 World Series was actually a human in a squirrel suit! The SGE Electro Photo DNA Scope [TM] indicates the homosapien to be aspiring Chicago-area Shakespearean actor Charles Allan Pennington (infamous for his audition rejection record for dramatic roles). Further manipulation of the image by the vaunted SGE Graphics Department (birthplace of the patented Zoom-O-Ray) brings into question the possibility that this could also be a squirrel eating a human. As always, you saw it here first.

Recently discovered in the vast SGE Toolbox Photo Library: No one on staff can recall where this image came from. The soiled and crumpled notes only reference a "Chocolate/hazelnut cake, by Pam the Sugar Chef". Bottom line: Even a toolbox is not always a toolbox. Unemployed actors are substituting for everything under the sun now, including Bob Dylan's latest birthday present. Who knows what's real anymore? Check your spouse's ID before kissing.


GRIN

Last week's startling New York Times headlines regarding a Big Apple bear invasion: Fake! SGE East Coast reporter Motormouth Ray snapped this image while moonlighting as a limo chauffeur in the city last Friday afternoon. Ray even received personalized autographs from the menacing intruders. Nice work, Ray! (Photo courtesy of Motormouth Ray)

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